my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
