Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
