I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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