Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I sprained my soul last night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have post one night stand depression
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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