I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize