thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
