How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
