lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
