I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
