You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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