he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
