Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
