i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
