every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize