you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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