A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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