hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
