; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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