Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
