1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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