im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
