Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
