i would punch a child for taco bell
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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