I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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