I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
