i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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