i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize