So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
MIDGETS
????
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
