The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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