Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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