Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
