He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
