Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
