So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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