She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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