hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
