i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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