is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want to make out with him forever
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I smell like Dick and happiness
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