My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
