you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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