can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
