I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
