We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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