Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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