you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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