It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
