If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize