I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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