The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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