I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
