it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
