I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
birth control should be required to get into college
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
