we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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