Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
did you just send me my own nude
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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