Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
