So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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