I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
