I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
